Depressed Negativity - 101
“Why I Can’t Sleep”
What happens when you can’t sleep? 1. Because God again has screwed up your life, and swears to himself that He is still worthy to be praised. As I look back over my life, and more specifically “right now” as I write, because I have a bug buzzing in my ear, that waited until I was too tired to stay awake any further to torture me even further to keep me from the eluded aspect of “rest” both my mind and body so desperately need and desire. At this point I crave, sleep more than hunger. Literally.
As I hear the rain continue to come down outside, as I also hear the drops that hit the bucket I places in the living room. To catch the droplets that have come from the ceiling fan lights and splashed over to the hardwood floor.
Knowing that I had spoken to the landlord for the past 2 to 3 years about the rodents that have eaten through the ceiling and the roof to allow for the outside elements to find their way inside to a peace that has far eluded me. As I continue on, I can see the bug cross my “small solar powered” light source, which brought again my plight to light as I continue to write this continuation of despair.
I also can’t find sleep with the constant apparent “gnawing” of wood and at times “metal” being destroyed as the “varmits” attempt again and again to disrupt my attempt at sleep as they destroy the barriers design to keep them out. The greatest regret is that not having the “financial wherewithal” to leave the hell of this predicament.
You would think having two (2) bachelor of science degrees, that I would at least have the ability to not have put myself in such a dilemma. But that is where I am all the same.
Between fighting off the over-sized “cockroaches” that always find their way in the direction I would be headed after I get out of bed. Or the upstairs wrecking crew that demolished my sleep for at least the last 3 to 4 years out of a total so far of 6 to 7 years of “entrapment” in a place I would not wish on my “worst” enemy. As I look back over 2020 and realize this is nowhere near anything that I would call a blessing. I don’t care what kind of spin God would choose to put on it. This is a lot closer to “sorrow” than any blessing I could ever recognize.
When I look back and realize that I have been constantly, physically drained and mentally fatigued from March to what is now the ending week of October. Nothing has improved in my life since a boss told me on March 12th, 2020 to go home, with no idea at that point of a return date.
What was the whole point of believing in any sort of a positive out come. I depleted my savings around September, and by the end of October unemployment has made not progress and it is still showing on the website, “Pending”. What the heck, if that is the best you can do, then what’s the point. I did all the things I was suppose to do. I went as far as I am willing to go at this point. At this point in time, who cares about heaven. The way it has been operating, “Hell” looks a lot more appealing alternative. If this is how God runs his shop, it would definitely be closed down by now.
Looking back over it, one of the smartest things I did was to “manually” cut my lights of in the spring. That did allow me to save some financial resources, even though I was still “cheated” out of a lot of them by the local utilities company. If I cut my lights off, how is it that my monthly bill was lower before the pandemic, when I had a 40 inch tv running and all the lights on. My bill then at it’s lowest was around $116.00. After the pandemic, I put the 40 inch tv into storage, and only watched on a small 19 inch. I cut the power to the lights in the residence and only used the “solar lights” that I put up to run at night. The lights were so crazy because they “literally” only came on “after it got dark”, and I mean “dark”. If it was still “dust dark” they would not come on “no matter what”. The bone of contention I had with this light was that it ran off of “infrared” so whenever I changed a channel on my “OTA” tv, then the light would come on. So that kept me in shape, because where I hung the light and where I put the remote was at least 10 feet away. So every time the light came on, I would have to get up and go to the light location to cut it off. Now here is the real kicker. Whenever I would cut off one light, it would turn on another light in another room, which meant I had to go to the “kitchen” which really wasn’t a kitchen. It was just an extension of the living room. But that meant I had to walk to the other location to cut off that light. Just weird. But I had to deal with it, because I didn’t have any “financial ability” to get out the rut. So back to the focus. From May to October my bill every month was consistently $ 147.43 every month. Not once did I ever see a person come out and “check the meter”. When I went downstairs to look at the meter for my residence, obviously the utilities company had made upgrades. I guess to the point that they no longer needed to physically show up to read the meters. Even with the upgrades, normal use would in some way have to vary month to month. And with you not watching the same show everyday, or you not eating the same thing everyday. There is no reason technically that you should ever have the “exact” same utility bill “every” month. That’s why I am stating I was getting “ripped off” by the utilities company definitely when I was desperately trying to cut back and save as much resources as I could during this time frame. You are asking why didn’t I just move? I would wonder how many single people and families not just in the U.S. but around the world, have had to deal with the same financial question and problems.
So you are saying to yourself, what’s the big deal? A few cockroaches here, a few rodents there. What makes your case special? I say to that, “Nothing”. I don’t consider my case or myself special, but if God is suppose to be all of that, and considers himself special. Then definitely it would “behove” him to at least “act like” he had the potential to treat me better than what he has been doing. A broke clock is at least “right” two (2) times out of the day. Can God just do right by me financially at least (1) once in my life? Is that really to much to ask out of someone or something that want’s you to constantly pay them. What kind of investment is God really making anyhow?
Every problem I have ever had has come because of God’s financial ineptness. It doesn’t matter how much I have tried to financially improve my life, God has always brought his financial despair to ruin any success I may have been striving to. You say I should have worked harder. I was putting in 88 hours for the past 25 years, and have nothing, and I mean exactly “nothing” to show for it.
Every time I put my best foot forward, God is there to either put “oil” down before I take a step, so that I don’t land on “good firm ground”, or he plans such elaborate destruction to my financial independence, just for the purpose that He can “gloat” that he was able to “screw” me again.
How many people do you know that every time that take one step forward it literally looks like they took “a billion steps backwards”? When you look back over their life. It doesn’t matter how many degrees they have earned. It has not mattered how they have put the hours in to earn a promotion. It has not matter how many sacrifices that they may have made. God has always been there to screw them up, if they even catch a glimpse of “hopeful light” at the end of “any” tunnel.
In 2020, I have lost so much, I have cried the most “hurtful” tears I could have ever imagined in my life. For me, 2020 was worst than just “impactful”. I was worst than “devastating”. This is coming from a person that has lost children to death. This comes from a person that has seen a life of misery during and after tragedy. Death of children, death of career, death of hope, death of desire, death of happiness, death of imagination, death of achievement, death of equality. The only thing that hasn’t died, is God’s disrespect of bettering my existence. The only thing that I have realized is that God never fails at being a failure in and to your happiness.
